Today was court day. We usually only have one defendant, Mr. Raccoon. We usually call him Bubba. He’s been in the dungeon so much lately we’ve started to think of him as a permanent resident. As usual, it was theft. Of a pie, from Mrs. Rabbit’s windowsill. The King says we should give a the guy a break, but he’d been out on parole for only fifteen minutes when said pie went missing, so I said we shouldn’t. The sad part is the guy has two little ones, whom we call Little Bubba and Poindexter. Mrs. Raccoon’s not in the picture, so the boys live are being fostered by the Brown-bears out at the Hacienda, so I don’t worry about them. If there’s anyone who can straighten out a kid it’s Mr. Brown-bear. Half his family is in the Guard, after all.

So, here he is, pleading before the court. And what was his excuse?

So he said, “Your Majesties, I didn’t steal that pie. Nope. Not a bit. What happened was, I was just walking past the Rabbits’ window, see, and there was this pie sitting there. And it was so lonely! It practically cried out loneliness. Have you ever heard a pie cry out loneliness? Well, then you know what I mean. And boy, was it hot to go. I mean, what was I supposed to do? Just leave it there, dying of loneliness?

“So you see, what happened is, I liberated that pie. I picked it up and took it with me on my journey, so it wouldn’t be so lonesome. And when we got out in the woods, we sat down, that pie and I. I was sitting on a log, you see, and it was sitting right up on a stump, happy as can be. Really happy, to have someone to talk to. Steaming. Bubbling even.

“So we gets to talking, and I says, you know, I never saw a pie as tasty – er- as beautiful as you. You should be really happy, inside yourself, don’t you see. And it was! Perked right up, hearing that. So we kept right on talking, and next thing you know, that pie up and took off! Left its pan, and everything. Rolled right out of sight. I ran after it, but it was too fast. Almost got lost in the woods, myself. So I goes back to the stump, and there’s that empty pan just sitting there. So I brought it back with me to prove what I said was true. That pie just left off on its own, into the big world.

“And there’s the pan, Ma’am. As you can see the pie’s completely gone. But just so Mrs. Rabbit doesn’t worry, I have it on good authority that the pie was right tasty.”

At least Mrs. Rabbit got her pie pan back.

Anyway, the Guard escorted him back ito the dungeon until we can figure out what to do with him.